heart

So I just watched country strong, and its things like that, along with seeing things about Taylor swifts life, or watching concerts, or artists perform that really put a twist on my emotions. I can't watch things like that and 100% enjoy them anymore. Because all I want is that, so bad. Watching Country Strong, and watching Chyles (leighton Meester's character) perform onstage at the end, and the crowd is all cheering and she is just so happy and overjoyed that she almost starts to cry. ya, well I cried, just imagining that was me.

I want to move to Nashville, I want to get my career started. i want it to be a clear and easy path that will just get me there. But its not. I don't have any money, so do I want it bad enough to just go down there and live off nothing and work all day and play gigs all night? would I even get gigs? Am I even good? or do my friends just say so because they're my friends. do I even have a chance? do I have what it takes? how could I, julia farmer, ever, ever, ever become a country star, who would listen to my music? and why, would it be my plan? is it even Gods plan for me? if not, why on earth is it so etched into my heart. why do I have this insane connection to everything music, like its pulling at me, like its what I'm supposed to do. That I'm supposed to do this? if I leave it and let it go, I will have nothing but regrets. All I will think about is, what if? what if I had gone to nashville, what if I had tried super hard, what if I jumped for my dreams, instead of stepping for them? if I don't go for it, my heart will ache every time I hear about taylor swift and her success, it will hurt everytime pick up my guitar with just my sister listening to me sing. It will hurt everytime I think of, what if I had gone for it?

I am so lost. sounds to me like someone has some serious praying to do. and sounds to me, like I just need to move to nashville.

what if I dropped all my classes for fall? what if I was just spontaneous and let that happen because you know what, thats what I wanted to do and I did it. skrew what other people wanted for me. what if I could just do that? oh the joys of what if. if I could, I would be in nashville right now, and would have for the past year. but you know whats wrong with that statement? I could have been if I really wanted, I could have made it happen, if I really really really wanted, but I didn't. but i learned a lot this past year and what if its time now?

wow, isn't this just a lovely heart to heart we're having.

conclusion: I need to either forget about this dream, throw it away and not want it anymore, or go for it.